Unfortunate & Awkward #1: Hooked Onto a Door

Of course when you are sitting in second period Spanish class for an hour that wields like two hours, you want to hurry up and get the hell out of there, and you are attentively waiting for that screeching bell that will signal your somewhat satisfying, sweet release. Also, when you know you have to tolerate a room of inexperienced, hormone induced freshmen in the front of you, ghetto banshees inappropriately wailing behind you, and big meat-headed jocks & rednecks yelling about their trucks and football on both your left and right sides, you feel a little drained. But what happens when you have the unfortunate pleasure of accidentally getting attached onto a door for a good two minutes? Talk about "Awkward Pants Deluxe".

Okay, I really think there is a way to get through these unfortunate times, but me being so ungraceful, I wouldn't know how to properly follow the techniques. So, this little incident happened a few weeks ago. It's happened before but never for as long as an exasperating two minutes. It couldn't have been more awkward. I am usually the first or second one to be out of the door, and it becomes fatality concerning when you hold up other people in front of the door just because you've gotten yourself in a certain predicament. "What the hell?!"  Of course one of those meat-headed jocks has to blurt out something and make the whole experience more discerning. Some "a" double "s" starts to push me, while I try my hardest to get my book bag released from the door. Thing was stuck good. I realized that I was not in store for a small presh potskins "Embarrassing Hooked on the Door" experience, but I had gotten myself into an maladroit situation. Maladroit...you like those big words?  :-\

Minute One:

A lot happened within the first minute. The snagging and pushing, and the alarming panic of "Oh, s***!" Sweat. Why the hell was I sweating? Oh, I know, because I had over twenty annoying people breathing down my back to get the hell out of the way, or I would be trampled. Trying to block out all the pushing and "What the hell?!"s , I ripped and ripped. Some unfortunately pale child managed to nudge her way out of the huge blockade, that was me. The douchebag that sits directly in front of me almost knocked me down, when his gargantuan body swept pass my book bag. The vile pedestrians in the hallway were starting to witness the unfortunate debauchery of me framed into the doorway, and scrunched their faces into the "WTF" expression. I started to get frustrated and my equally awkward friend, Tim decided to come up to say "Hey." Thanks. Thanks so much, Tim for the very helpful "Hey" and the very graceless standing around for thirty seconds. Oh, and look, a ghetto banshee is making her way towards me. I hear the belligerent screams of the ghetto, southern accent coming closer and closer. Naturally, a fear of a "Ghetto Rundown" filled my gut, so in a very spastic nature, I rapidly started to yank at the fabric of my annoying book bag.

Minute Two:

Then of course the ghetto banshees were the only strong ones to start a revolution...I nearly got ran down. The smelly jerk that sits at the left of me pushed, so did the irrelevant buzzard from the far right corner of the classroom. The smart mouthed witch, with a capital "B", let out an annoying"Get the hell out of the way!" Do I blame these vile creatures? No. While I wouldn't have pushed so violently, I honestly would have tried to maneuver my way out of being attached to the oafish situation. The most disturbing thing is that I started to laugh, as I got down on my knees to get a closer look at how to loosen the book bag strap. I noticed I was not the only one, my new friend, who is extremely "Bright & Shiny"; Casey was laughing. I needed scissors. Another friend, Brian, passed by and made the last minute more unfortunate than what it already was. And oh, Brian is one of the most awkward. He's the closest to "Awkward Pants Deluxe 5" I have ever come in contact with. He's a cool dude, but he's damn unfortunate and damn awkward. When I finally got my book bag unhinged from the door, to top it all off most of my books and crap were on the floor. Wonderful!  And then I had to rush to class.

I was late to third period English class, and I also had to tell my teacher why. Unfortunate. That's my life. And I am very happy for it. Most of the time.

:)

Picture of the Day

Ridiculous. Or should I say, "Ridunkulous" (remember,The Extraordinary Power of Imaginary Words &  Phrases.) Powerful stuff going on in this here clip of eccentric art. Whatever you want to call it, it's presh potskins for sure, and a bit influencing. It brings out the "Bright & Shiny" in most people, including me. I have no idea where this came from, or who contrived it, at all. It's just a blessing to have found it. What is not to like about a kaleidoscopic-like, gleeful piece of creativity?  

My Obsession with the Ralph Eugene Meatyard Photography

I came across these presh potskins pieces of art and photography a few weeks ago, and I have been trying to find a place where someone sells them, or something because I am literally obsessed with them, and I don't know why. Maybe they just scream "Dark & Twisty" to me.

Here are a few:

Yes, it all does exclaim "Dark & Twisty". Which is great.

Capable: by Stella, Harry, & George

These are three little random monologues I wrote a while ago when I was in the middle of my "Dark & Twisty" issues and I just wanted to share them. All three of them are linked into a little scene. It's very random, but that's what you can always expect from my psyche.


Stella

I am capable of most things! I don’t need you for everything I do. I’ll be fine without you most of the time. I chose to do this on my own and I will. (beat). I just need to figure out how. And look, I am not a fan of my mistakes but I do learn from them, so dammit, let me learn! You talk to me like a stupid adolescent girl playing with the big men or something. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. I take everything in. I speak. I teach, and I am understood. Even if it takes a considerable amount of time, my brain does still work. And I need you--I need you all to understand that. I am a strong independent woman, who is capable of most things! I am talented! I am experienced! I am! I am damn capable. And don’t you forget it. When I speak people listen, and when I walk into a room people turn their heads, and not because of how hot I look when I’m carrying over 20 pounds of copied papers in one hand and carrying a mug of raspberry-chocolate coffee in the other. But it’s because I am capable. Because I am a strong person, and I earned it! (beat). And George, you think your attracted to me but really your only attracted to my profession, and my skill, and the fact that you know you can’t have me. And maybe possibly how hot I look carrying 20 pounds of copied papers, but really, to the both of you men, I just want to say that I am capable.


Harry

Can you shut your face, please. For a moment. Please. I know you’re capable. I know you’re independent, and strong. I also know that you learn from your mistakes which is great and wonderful and all happiness and sunshine and rainbows, but please I beg you. Shut up! Shut your mouth, please, for a moment. Because if you haven’t yet noticed, I have a psychology test tomorrow morning in which I am very unsuccessfully trying to study for. And I tried to help you because I saw how stressed you were, and how your ass of a boss was abusing his power. And also how slutty and coquettish you were being to try to exploit a little sympathy from him. Don’t deny it! I know because I saw that new collection of astonishingly short skirts you brought. Bet you didn’t know or count on him being gay, hm?  I mean seriously. Seriously. Your ass hangs out of those dresses. It’s embarrassing. Anyone could see. And don’t-- don’t get offended, just take the criticism. That’s one thing you’re not capable of. Your loud. Your full of misguided & misplaced arrogance. You lie way too much. You complain about men trying to tame you, when you put yourself in the position to be “tamed“. You rant, even when it’s not appropriate to. And your just pretty much an unfortunate young woman. And you want sympathy from people all the time, but refuse to sympathize with anyone else. I tried to sympathize with you and your stress today, but god forbid you even try to sympathize with mine. (beat). And by the way, you don’t even look remotely “hot” when your carrying 20 pounds of copied papers. You look constipated, or like you’ve lost a few very important brain cells. Not to mention the disturbing, almost, but not quite cute way your face scrunches up while you also carry that very much unnecessary mug of raspberry-chocolate coffee. It’s disgusting and not good for you. Stop drinking it! (beat). Oh, and George…he is attracted to you. He’s attracted to you, your profession, and your skill. Also that amazing way that you are capable. Because you are. He knows that as much as I do. That small, chunky little man loves everything about you. Even the way you’re sometimes a pretentious and hopeless romantic. Even when you need to shut your face. He loves you….you are his angel. In his words not mine. So love him and stop talking down to him. (beat). Or don’t I don’t care, whatever, but as you weight your options, I’d consider wiping off that shocked and angry look of your face and trying something a little more…dignified. And also do consider the possibility of shutting the hell up, because I can’t take it anymore.


George

I may be a quiet, short, stocky guy-- a guy you’re not used to, but I am also capable. And worthy. And I do. I do love you. And I am attracted to you for a myriad of reasons that would take me an eternity to mention. Such as the way you try so very hard to cook for everyone and it only turns out be another rather unfortunate murder scene. Also the way you criticize everyone you meet even though you may not have the room to. Not to mention that high-larious way you’re able to lose weight everywhere on your body excluding your thighs. And how you fake talking on the phone to seem like you’re popular even though you have no friends whatsoever. And I know it my seem like we’re just pointing out your many, many innumerous flaws and beating down your already extremely low self esteem, but I am trying to make a point. Because despite those extraordinary flaws, you are capable. Harry’s right. You are strong and independent. You don’t need that collection of short skirts to try to impress your gay boss. I mean seriously. So honey, I know of your capability and so does Harry and so does your unpleasant mother, no matter how ordinary she thinks you are, you’re not. I mean you’re the only woman working at that business, and still surviving, as a woman. You’re special and witty and you have a wonderful singing voice. It’s just too bad you hate music. And it’s a known fact that most people in this house view me as the incapable woman, many of the men in your workplace think you are. And for that I apologize.

Breif Explaination of the Phrase: "Presh Potskins"

Just to clear up a few things, the phrase "presh potskins" is can be an adjective, adverb, or noun. It is a statement I first heard from my one of my wonderful friends. She is wonderfully high-larious by the way

Presh Potskins: Precious, wonderful, fun, and imaginatively intriguing to the point of losing all sense of reality and tangibility...which is okay.

It is a fun, dinky phrase that anyone could use, although I have to say it does not look or sound good on everybody, but that shouldn't matter. Presh potskins is a fair, equal statement that even your groovy grandmother can appreciate when she's baking a pie. Example: "Oh, honey this apple pie is going to be the presh potskins of your day!". See. It's very easy, everyone asks me where it came from. I don't know. It could be German or Swedish for all I can perceive, but it's a peachy group of letters mashed together and scrambled to make what I call, "The Extraordinary Power of Imaginary Words & Phrases." Yes, it's something a "Bright & Shiny" would say, but I have my "BS" moments.

Ralph, or The Prose That Was (Nearly) Cut

This is the short prose that I intentionally wrote for my high school's literary magazine, but got cut because of it containing the statements "suicidal" and "snuff films", and get this; "asexual". It's preposterous. I understand the whole editing process of the dainty, church belt, over-censored schools, but this is just ridiculously abhorrent, and kind of an insult, but everyone at school seems to like it, and I am simply disappointed, but this was just a prose I refused to edit, since I've edited it at least five times before I submitted it to the magazine. Just another reason to loathe high school. But all is fine, and I am just happy that it was a piece of my literary work that a fair number of people like. Warning: This prose is pretty "Dark & Twisty".

Ralph

Basic social rules: Following instructions. Accepting criticism. Accepting “No” for an answer. Staying calm. Disagreeing with others. Asking for help. Asking permission. Getting along with others. Apologizing. Having a conversation. Giving compliments. Accepting compliments. Listening to others. Being honest. Showing sensitivity to others. Introducing yourself.

Ralph does none of these things.

Ralph refers to himself in third person. Ralph calls others out of their name. Ralph gets angry when he is critiqued. Ralph does not follow the rules. Ralph refuses to give or properly accept compliments. Ralph has never gotten along with others and never listens to them. Ralph is always disagreeing with people and takes things to a whole other level. Ralph is happily dishonest. Ralph has no sympathy for others, and does not wait to get permission. However, Ralph does introduce himself, but only as “the best.”

People do not like Ralph. Ralph does not like people. Ralph takes his issues out on others. And Ralph has an abundance of issues. Ralph does not believe in love. Ralph does not believe in happiness. Ralph is an atheist. Ralph has a sweet disposition towards death. Ralph likes to see others fail. Ralph causes others to fail. Ralph says he has never shed a tear. Ralph has suicidal tendencies. Ralph is asexual. Ralph has never been with a girl. Ralph is disgusted by politicians. Ralph enjoys snuff films. Ralph lives with his mother. Ralph is 33. Ralph weighs 118 pounds. Ralph does not care about the latest trends or people. Ralph thinks mainstreaming is for losers. Ralph wants all jocks dead. And Ralph keeps his true feelings in his head.

That being said, Ralph does have feelings.

Ralph considers being polite. Ralph would like to take criticism well. Ralph would like to be able to follow the rules. Ralph would like to be with a girl. Ralph wants to give compliments and except them, properly. Ralph would love to enjoy other’s company. Ralph wants to be able to have empathy and sympathy for other humans. Ralph wants to learn to love, and become capable of being loved. But cannot. And his family maybe to blame.

Ralph’s family refers to themselves in third person. Ralph’s family call others out of their name. Ralph’s family gets angry when they are critiqued. Ralph’s family does not follow the rules. Ralph’s family refuses to give or properly receive compliments. Ralph’s family has never gotten along with others and never listens to them. Ralph’s family is always disagreeing with people and takes things to a whole other level. Ralph’s family is essentially as disturbed as Ralph, himself. Like son, like family.

Ralph was abused. Ralph was never told he was loved. And Ralph is afraid of emotions. And as a result, he is scarred as an adult.

In a perfect world, Ralph would follow the instructions. He would accept criticism. He would accept “No” for an answer. Ralph would be calm. Ralph would disagree with others in a polite fashion. Ralph would get along with others, and Ralph would be capable of apologizing. Ralph would be able to hold a conversation. He would be able to give and receive compliments. Ralph would listen to others and be honest. He would be able to show empathy and sympathy. Ralph would not introduce himself as “the best” but as “a person”.

But since things are no more perfect than you or me, everyone knows Ralph as the disturbed, slightly schizophrenic, and weirdly asexual, silent young man who has no idea what real life is yet.

Ralph would like to say sorry, for breaking all sixteen of the basic social skills that everybody should know. Ralph would like to know what it is to be happy and know what love feels like. Ralph would like to express his true feelings Ralph would love to finally talk to Rachel. Ralph would love to start over to get his childhood back. And Ralph would like to take back his sudden death. And Ralph is sorry.

Photo from: http://www.suckatlife.com/digital.html

The Formal Disliking of People

I know for a particular fact that I am nowhere near alone on the topic of formal dislike for the human race, or to put it quite simply: People. And I'm not saying I hate people, here! While it may not be a popular or real dysfunction, the non-medical diagnoses of what I call, "The Formal Disliking of People", is actually quite a simple trait us "Dark & Twisties" all carry. Trust and believe that I know and I am a rather flourished professional in stating the fact that your environment is an assuming factor on how you acquire your own little brand of FDP. And for all you presh potskins "Bright & Shinies" out there, don't knock what you do not understand, just think of it as a form of sinking satire. I, my fellow bloggers, am a "Dark & Twisty"; a child of the formal dislike of most things that are considered normal, and with a dark view on much that the few "Bright & Shinies" of the world would believe to be dreadful or distasteful. But all in all, heading into the topic of people and why there is a modest group of eccentrics that personally do not like them. It is because of the arrogance, ignorance, intolerance, close-mindedness, hateful, crass, belligerent, and cantankerous traits that us vile creatures have. And of course I am talking of: People.

We are so full of pride to be the one animal on the top of the food and intelligence chain! It's wonderful, that is until you face what I call "The Debridement of Respect & Intelligence." This is where my brand of FDP wiggled itself in. It's a sad fact that while we are at the head of the current of technology and advancements in all kinds of greatness where we can almost call ourselves "Personal Gods", that we still have inappropriate ways of interacting. The daunting Facebook, the now fading Myspace, the ever so popular Twitter, and the happily unmentioned and unpopular Friendster. Not to mention all the nameless chat rooms and dating sites we use to make ourselves somewhat intricately interesting. But, I could forgive all of that if it all didn't end up with us being more comfortable to talk to each other from behind a machine, than in person...face to face. People say some of the most uncouth things all around the internet and do so only because they feel pathetically safe behind the vindicated barrier of their most likey porn infested computer. I have to say that I do my best not to say anything on the internet that I would not tell to any of my wonderful, close friends or family members. And though I suffer from a particularly bad case of FDP, I still react to things in an appropriate manner...for the most part.

To add more on my beef with the People; we do not appreciate our lives, and just the same, we do not appreciate the environment in which we are subsisting in. Pollution and litter! Calm your self, I am no hippie, even if I do admire their presh potskins ways. And no I have not seen "An Inconvenient Truth" with Al Gore. Though I am no saint when it comes to dropping a little gum wrapper here or there, I do have a sudden strike of guilt every time that foil wrap hits the ground. It's a small thing, and I won't go into those badgering statistics but I will point out that it all adds up to a lot. Not to mention the threat of exhausting the ozone layer, which could potentially kill us in well over half a dozen ways! But I digress.

I am firm in the formal dislike of the way many people disrespect other's race, gender, color, religion, or culture, not to mention their niches. And they do it just because our society, and withered generations say it is okay or that it is considered a fun good laugh. It's a cheap laugh, and anyone who enjoys a cheap laugh at the expense of a young turban wearing Muslim child, is an A, double S. It may seem like all is a joke, but that person could even grow up to reject that side of what he or she is and that is just a tragic thought. Yes, yes every race or culture has their own partially true stereotypes, but it is up to that culture to defy the boundaries of what that particular stereotype is. I know I do. Here in the wonderful (God forbid) state of Alabama, there are many derogatory statements blurted out unto different races and cultures. This a major problem, but me being formal and all, I try my best to properly act against it, but after all, the south is known for it's church belted, close-minded, intolerance that makes for calling young gay boys the F** word. Or calling anyone of Asian decent the C**** word, which is the most disrespectful in my opinion, since most of what we Americans have is from Asian countries and since I have a love for Asian cultures and people. Have you ever seen a cute little Asian baby? They're adorable.



Okay, if you still don't like Asian culture after that, then you must be a corporate bed wetting zombie with no working emotions. Or a sibling of Sue Sylvester from Glee. Off topic. Once again, I digress.

There are issues in the relationships of people as well. Many would love the whole "Bridges of Madison County" romance story in their life, but, thanks to the games people play, it rarely ever happens. What's up with the games? In my immature stages I myself have played a few relationship games, and let me tell you, they don't work. The whole "You cheated on me first thing!" doesn't go down well. Neither does the "I'm weighing out my options" thing. Trying lust or coveting and you'll only end up hurting yourself, and a few others. It's a ridiculous thought that we people gotten into our heads that playing childish games will win that "special person's heart." Stop and think about it. What is the simplest way that we humans can get into a real trusting relationship and most likely stay there and be progressively happy? How about trying to be "really, real" with your feelings and talk to one another...for real. I mean seriously. Seriously! That's how most relationships lose that "wonder". It's the inevitable loss of communication, even though many will somehow blame it on unsatisfactory sex or being stalked, or any of the seven deadly sins they don't really understand but will use as a discretionary excuse. I know. I've done it. And I'm only seventeen.

As a "Dark & Twisty", I have to be accountable for my own feelings toward people and controlling how to deal with the vile beasts in the most elegant of ways, meanwhile the "Bright & Shinies" go through life being the "perfect human", which is really, in more ways than a million, the worst creature. I am not stating that I hate people, it is just that I have a better connection with my pets than another human being. I'm sure the first person I'd want to see when I get to heaven is my first dog ever; Lady. I have a love/hate relationship with people, and I'm sure all of my "Dark & Twisties" can agree with that, and hey, maybe I think everyone has a little "Dark & Twisty" in them, and is faking to be the "Bright & Shinies" that we know almost barely exist. Hmm.

Well my presh potskins bloggers, rather than stay in the realm of the unfortunate (this blog), you should tell me of your own views on " The Formal Disliking of People", and if you are a "Dark & Twisty" or a dreaded, but regrettably entertaining "Bright & Shiny" like my friend, Aubree. Yes, I know, I'm friends with a "BS". I guess it's a good thing...

:)